[Computerbank] Letter of Resignation

[Mark CLohesy]

Message 
Resignation Letter of a Systems Administrator... 
 
Mr Baker, 
 
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic 
expectations. 
 
Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges 
above the common ground squirrel. 
 
After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers 
during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of 
the few true genetic wastes of our time. 
 
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of 
everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a 
waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I 
know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself 
and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept 
of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time. 
 
You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary 
still gives you too many options. 
 
You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and 
explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective 
as telling you what an IP is. 
 
Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around 
the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a 
sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, 
but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked 
staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world 
of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats 
and laughs at. 
 
Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. 
 
Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full 
frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I 
have a few parting thoughts: 
 
1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give 
me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to 
comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years 
to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own. 
 
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every 
password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I 
am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved when 
you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like 
"Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration. 
 
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers 
b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of 
yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the 
techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd 
acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and 
kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of 
recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct 
your mistakes.) 
 
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk 
by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody and all of your little 
twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f**k with your 
systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free 
time. 
 
Sincerely, 
 
Ted